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HOTLINKS!
You don't have a problem, unless you have a solution.
I feel alot more like I do now, than I did when I first got here.
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die.
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. - Bilbo
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles."
"I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening."
"If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question."
Let's kill all of the radicals!
A man with a gun is a citizen. A man without a gun is a subject
If you don't know where you are going, how will you know when you are there?
"Never put off until tomorrow that which you can do the day after"
Motto of the Procrastination Society
How about " Oh carrots are devine, you get a dozen for a dime, it's
magic...." B.Bunny
"You can lead a man to reason,but you can't make him think."
Place more emphasis on praising that which is praiseworthy, and less emphasis
on criticizing people's imperfections; you will be more successful in your
relationships.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red
Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie
Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a
stop to siphoning. Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know
your name" - Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it - Stephen Leacock
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
- Shelley Berman
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy
it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -
Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl
at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -
Will Rogers
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on
the clothesline. - George Lindsey
Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel
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This site last updated 04 August 2004.
